06
Oct
08

Texas Roadhouse… Where’s Patrick Swayze?

My brother’s birthday was a few weeks ago, so my wonderful family decided a few weeks late that they should make a feeble attempt at celebration interlaced with sad anger for a bygone past.  This has been the m.o. for my family since my brother and I were born.  So since my mother had long since decided that cooking is above her stately manner, we were forced to go out to eat… at the local Texas Roadhouse.  What the fuck is happening to humanity?  I was amazed, it was better than visiting a zoo.  I saw people with skin problems that reminded me of reptiles, I saw people that were wider than they were tall, I saw people that were obviously diabetic scarfing down free bread rolls while their toes turn another shade of violet in anticipation of escaping the hulking mess that they were forced to assist in keeping balance.  I wanted Patrick Swayze to burst out of the kitchen wearing a barbecue sauce smeared apron and commence ripping the throats out of the massive land mammals that were ingesting the sugar smeared protein that passes for sustenance in our sick fucked up society.

Now this from Wikipedia

Texas Roadhouse was founded in Indiana in 1993.  Just let that marinate.

The food… Was not fit to be consumed.  I know that in our modern world we all have a desire to make ourselves feel like we are a character on television, you know myopic sex crazed lunatics that can’t see farther than our formulaic one liners.  I digress, the food was all undercooked and lukewarm.  Nothing was plated, or attempted to be plated in any manner.  It was all just dumped on a plate an shoved in front of us.  Now I could see from the land mammals around me that the overall consensus in the rest of the establishment was that the food was excellent and should be consumed post-haste but I was just too disgusted.  So, my wife and I pushed our plates away and waited for the check… which btw was placed on our table halfway through the meal.

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19
Aug
08

Bored with tech

Upon the suggestion of Mr. Klib I started riding my bicycle more often, this was to offset my fuel consumption whilst attempting to use up some of my own personal reserves (big fat belly). After an great 15 mile ride I was jacked on endorphines and high on life and running on empty and running hot… wait those last two were Jackson Browne, strike that. So I decided that since I quit smoking and started exercising that I hadn’t purchased anything really frivolent for at least a few weeks (*punches self in reproductive organs*) so went over to the local Best Buy to look around and see if there is anything I could purchase to make my life that much more complete.

I entered the temple to consumerism while being assaulted by some sort of wind machine that activates when you walk through the door. Now I could easily look the function of said machine on this here Interweb but I would much rather speculate as to the function of this machine. I think the “door blower openermajiggy” is used to induce a state of confusion and also bombard the subject with ionized air in order to stimulate the smell center of the brain into a nostalgic feeling of electronics that in turn makes you want to buy new electronics. Thats what I think. I don’t care what it really does.

Anyway, as I was saying, I went into the store and looked around, not only had everything moved from where it was before and it was all garbage. I never really saw it as garbage before, but something inside me must have changed. I saw a few things that really pissed me off, there was a Nintendo Wii accessory that was made of plastic and shaped like a tennis racket, REALLY!? Is that necessary? You need to sell something that is shaped like a handle in order to slip it over something that is shaped like a handle? NTM that tennis racket thing is also a MASSIVE chunk of PLASTIC!!! There was Guitar Hero which in my opinion is one of the dumbest games of all time, and of course rock band. The object of the game is to stand in front of the screen and press buttons in time with the screen while diddling your little pick thinger… thats it, you either do good or do bad and then you go engage in some other douchbaggery like beer pong or invading sovereign states with fake intel. Then the urge to get a new T.V. hit me like a freight train, so I walked along the aisles looking at all the fancy hi-def flat screen tvs in awe with my simple little jaw agape soaking up the radiation. Then a commercial pounced at me from all sides, I was surrounded, I stopped and didn’t make a single move. I thought if I were still enough they would see that I was really nothing but a very well made mannequin and they would go on their way with trying to sell me something, no such luck, they must have infra red cameras or something because they tried to sell me stuff alright, for the store I was already in! Thats right, the commercial was for Best FREAKING Buy… I held my ears and ran for the door until I was safely in my car with the windows down and the radio off.

06
Aug
08

Migraines are a BRAIN ATTACK!

So I am finally getting healed up and I can breath through my friggen nose, so I have been able to go to the gym to work it out. Well Monday I get to the gym, change into my gym clothes, get on the treadmill and not 25 minutes later I get a god damned aura. So while the aura is still small I jump off of the treadmill and run into the locker room, jam all of my crap into my bag and start driving home in an attempt to get home before the aura blinds me completely. No such luck, halfway home I am on the freeway with a million of my fellow Americans and I am almost 100% blind. Even with no depth perception and my peripheral vision the only functioning part of my vision I still drove better than the majority of them. I guess they were distracted by their cell phones or their fast food. So I stayed in the right lane and didn’t change lanes until my exit came and got home safe and sound.

Then the fun started, as my aura started to subside Method Man Brung the pain. If you never had a migraine, don’t. When the aura subsides I normally experience an odd mixture of slight nausea with carnal hunger that borders on starvation (the sensation not actual starvation). Then my wonderful wife made me a big bowl of spaghetti, I ate a few cookies and then passed out until it was time to go to work the next day.

12 hours later…

I wake up after having very strange dreams (another side effect) and go into work, as I load a board onto the laser pain shoots through my head (another side effect) so I try to take it easy, but some days its just impossible to take it easy.

The End

21
Jul
08

Electric Cars

Lately I have been dealing with the urge to go ahead and just buy a new freaking car, but then I shop for one and decide not to… actually I exclaim “fuck this” and then I sulk for a few minutes until something shiny distracts me for long enough to start the cycle over again.

The problem as I see it is our economy has degraded to the point that getting a loan for a car thrusts you into indentured servitude to your masters at your job site. I know its a bleak way to look at things and I admit that I have a tendency to be a bit dramatic whenever people have the ability to hold anything over me, but cmon, do I really have to be in debt simply to go to work only to pay my debt? It really is a vicious cycle.

So last night I was having trouble sleeping, as always, then it hit me. I have all this free time lately, I am going to make a god damned electric car. Most electric cars (or conversions) only have an approximate range of 40 miles, but really thats all I need to get to and from work and if I were to charge the car at work then I would get approx 80 miles of range per day, which is more than enough. So I am going to start shopping for a good car to convert.

Addendum:

I will just start riding my bike.  Making an electric car is just as bad as the other problem I was having, and bad for the world.

21
Jul
08

Zombie Nation

The wife and I decided that we needed some things from Target today. This is never a good idea. On the way we witnessed about 30 different cars that were driving erratically. It seemed as though these, when confronted by any obstacle, could only cope with the sudden change in the traffic or any other such distraction was to stop in the middle of the road.

I am already of the opinion that the majority of Americans should not legally be allowed to drive. The tests and screening should be more relative to the potential harm that a distracted person could cause. People, now more than ever, are more distracted while driving their monster trucks than ever before.

Every single day I can see more than 20 people on my 15 mile commute (both ways) smoking, talking on the phone and drinking beverages. That means you are doing too many things than you have hands. You needs hands to manipulate the wheel in order to not careen off the side of the road into the cyclist or pedestrian.

We need stricter regulations and more public transportation and less 90lb women driving tanks.

17
Jul
08

Ok, lets get this thing started

If all goes well this will be my first published weblog post, done out of boredom.

I have a few things to get off my chest, but I will start with my most irritating problem and then work my way down in a succession of lightly relevant posts until I become bored with posting.

On Thursday the 10th of July at 9:30 am I underwent my first elective surgery. Seeing as how I am Thirty and I have never had any trauma short of a a good head bashing (thanks dad) I was quite apprehensive. My wife took me to the operating theatre where I was to undertake the dreaded surgery which consisted of a septoplasty, Turbinate reduction and endoscopic sinus surgery.

The operation only lasted for about 45 minutes and once I was administered the initial “calming” drugs I was set.
I awoke at noon, groggy yet happy and lucid after the surgery with slight pain pulsing through my sinuses and head. The nurse was great and we chatted about how autoclaves really didnt do much in the way of destroying prions and other forms of free radicals that were non bacterial. After a few minutes of that I was gretted by my lovely wife who was taking a stroll in the neighborhood surrounding the surgical complex. Since I was still doped and loopy they allowed her to assist me in getting dress and discharged me after taking a few readings.

Normally after people go through surgery they are able to sleep directly afterwards due to the pain medicine and the discomfort from the actual surgery… not me. I was up until about 11:00 pm, I don’t really know why, I just could not sleep to save my life. I was also a bit on the edgy side as my wife pointed out, but that is all to be expected after a semi invasive surgery.

On July 11th I was in a much better mood but still in a bit of pain, so I popped a couple of painkillers and hung out all day watching trashy tv. Nothing really interesting about that.

July 12th… more trashy tv, I also discovered that all tv was trashy. I must be really out of it because I was watching a show called “I love money” and there was this white boy named white boy, he didnt act like a white boy, and then some people that I was led to believe that I should know… but I didnt, so I turned off the tv and read a book. Less pain in the nose so I took less painkillers. Then I discovered that apple released Iphone 2.0, so I decided to install that… 2 hours later I was at the genius bar getting a replacement Iphone with the older version of the software on it… with a bleeding nose. So I took some more painkillers.

July 13th, heart palpitations. The best way to describe the feeling would be to imagine getting butterflies in your stomach, then move that sensation up to where your main pump resides. Weird. It was just from the trauma of the surgery. Also less painkillers.

July 14th, back to work, no painkillers. Heart palpitations. Strange craving for outback steakhouse, can’t taste anything so I have some soup and a bagel instead… why in the world would I want to eat at outback? Left work early, slight pain in the nose like a real bad cold.

Since this is the first blog and all I would like to mention that I have no idea how to actually bring a post to conclusion.




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